My struggle with OCD is not something l’ve ever talked about on social media, but something I recently opened up about in my new book titled “Emmanuel in All My Moments”. I have always said “If it helps just one person feel less alone then it’s worth sharing”. You’re not crazy for having OCD, i’m not crazy for having OCD and shame will never lead the story that I tell. God is in this story. Some of these pieces are shared in the book and some shared in the book are not shared here. Raising awareness, reducing the stigma, and sharing for the one who needs to know they’re not alone and that they’re seen.
She was wearing skinny jeans, and I was wearing sweatpants. Her hair was long, and mine was short. She cared a little too much about her appearance, and I was free.
She couldn’t decide between a lavender latte and a chai. I ordered a chai with almond milk.
We both sit in silence for a second. She is in awe that I am alive. She never imagined meeting me. I am in awe of her strength.
We sat there for a while to read and write. She pulled out a journal from her bag, and I pulled out my laptop with my manuscript on it.
She asks me if a book was ever written. I tell her yes, I am living to tell a story of a God who saves and redeems.
She tells me that she is no longer going to Liberty University as planned. I look at her and say, “Hold on, it’ll be more than okay.” She asks me if I ever went back to school. I tell her i went ministry school in California and am now seeing redemption as God allows me to get a degree in English and Writing at Liberty.
She tells me she’s about to enter treatment for the first time. I say, “Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. Emmanuel is in all your moments, Annie.”
Our conversation was full of hope, and she asked if we could meet for coffee again soon. ❤
i remember laying in my bed at 18 staring at balloons in my room simply dreading my 19th birthday. when i was 19, i was scared to turn 20. i wanted to escape. as birthdays continued the theme continued. but i celebrated. with family, with balloons, with gifts, with dinners, with smiles. on the outside everything seemed okay. on the inside i was fighting the wildest, most intense war of depression. how can i celebrate another year of living when i simply don’t want to be here? why celebrate life when i can’t find purpose but only pain in my own life?
tomorrow i turn 29. for me, this is a victory. a win. a celebration. year 28 was one of the hardest years of my life and i didn’t think i would make it. this past decade was the most painful. but God. my God is turning bitter things into something so sweet though and i can’t wait to see what’s to come. this feels like the first birthday where the unknown has made itself known bold before me but walking hand in hand with God, i’m simply full of joy in the middle of the mystery. being entwined as one with the Lord, walking in step with the Spirit, every corner i turn, His goodness overwhelms me. He is redeeming a whole lot and all i can say is He is faithful and true.
this birthday i am thanking God for breath in my lungs. for LIFE. i can’t remember the last time that was the reality. but today it is.
REASONS TO KEEP GOING. you are loved. your story isn’t over. the world is not better without you. you’re so important. you have so many new memories to make. you have a purpose. you’re an overcomer!! your future is so bright. and a million other reasons. stay here. #genzwillbesuicidefree !!
“freedom on the other side of forgiveness” were the first words i wrote in my journal the morning of one of the most marking therapy sessions at Mercy. march 7th, 2023.
my counselor’s last words to me before i left her office that day were “become acquainted with freedom”. the hour in between was what felt like a storm had taken place. peaceful… but a storm. i took my place going into the battle, finding myself in the eye of the storm looking directly at my Jesus, but the rain poured, strength spent, tears cried. this cost me something. this cost Him everything. the storm settled, the enemy defeated, the rain stopped, steam still coming off the road, a rainbow in the sky. He keeps his promises. birds singing their song, reminding me i still have mine. oh, do i have mine. my heart is free. the words my counselor spoke ringing off the chains that had been freshly broken and shattered from around my heart… become acquainted with freedom. oh, sweet surrender.
in the middle of my journal quote and her words was an hour of sitting on the floor of her office forgiving the very people i never thought i could forgive.
i had no idea that “forgiveness” was on the “agenda” for the day but the holy spirit knew. he prepared my heart. writing down a “thought” in my journal wasn’t just a thought. it would soon become a reality that would shatter chains that had a hold on my heart that had made it hard to breathe. i hadn’t known that holding onto this was suffocating me. the thought of freedom on the other side of forgiveness would soon become a reality if i only walked in step with the Spirit and the divinely orchestrated leadership, wisdom and spirit-led counsel of my therapist. choosing obedience, choosing to forgive. God would certainly meet us in that room that day.
i had led us in communion to open up our therapy session and the rest isn’t just history. it’s forever part of a story i will tell.
only by the blood of Jesus could any of this be a reality today.
God went before me that day and prepared my heart – gently reminding me that freedom was going to make itself known to my heart in a radical way if i released those people and chose forgiveness. it took every bit of strength within me to choose to forgive but wow, i am so thankful i did.
for years i had wanted those who hurt and abused me to understand the pain that they had caused me. a previous day in counseling i had read my Jesus’ words out loud, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”. as my counselor asked me what that meant, i began to realize that Jesus didn’t need the world to know what they were doing or the pain that they were causing Him in order for forgiveness to flow from His heart. that revelation changed EVERYTHING for me. it truly marked my mind and my heart. i didn’t have to wait for people to understand the pain they caused me in order to forgive them. i could choose freedom and release myself from the prison i was in. now. i didn’t have to wait any longer.
so i made the choice to forgive those who had hurt and abused me. it was purely out of obedience but in the coming weeks, the effects of forgiveness were catching up to me in the most beautiful way. what forgiveness was doing in my life was heavenly and could have only been supernatural. the simple act of obedience was a bridge that allowed the Holy Spirit to move and free my heart and mind in a way that only He could. no amount of “people understanding pain or years lost to X or X” could bring freedom. it would only be Jesus.
i am thankful for the reality of freedom that awaits us on the other side of that simple but wildly courageous act of obedience – choosing to forgive. it’s a choice. it might take every ounce of strength in us and finding someone to be by our side in it with us. but the freedom that is on the other side is beautiful. stunning. heavenly. weighty. full of glory. only by the blood can this be our reality. releasing people who have done us wrong and giving them over to the Lord. continuing to find freedom myself as i trace my hands along the golden thread of the Lord’s constant goodness in my own story. He has always been good. so i can trust Him in this. i can trust Him with my story, with these people, with my life. i can choose to forgive the very people who have hurt and abused me. it’s a choice. it can hurt. but it cost Him everything. and He is worthy of my everything.
again and again, i choose to forgive. it’s not easy and it might strip me of my strength. but my God promises to renew my strength. and i am reminded of the freedom on the other side. i become aware of a heart more free than ever before. things are beginning to shift. i see people in a different light. and i remember my counselor’s words, “become acquainted with freedom”.
annie snyder 