My struggle with OCD is not something l’ve ever talked about on social media, but something I recently opened up about in my new book titled “Emmanuel in All My Moments”. I have always said “If it helps just one person feel less alone then it’s worth sharing”. You’re not crazy for having OCD, i’m not crazy for having OCD and shame will never lead the story that I tell. God is in this story. Some of these pieces are shared in the book and some shared in the book are not shared here. Raising awareness, reducing the stigma, and sharing for the one who needs to know they’re not alone and that they’re seen.
This book traces the last 10-14 years of my life. Marked by deep pain, depression, trauma and an eating disorder, yet woven through every moment is the golden thread of the Lord’s presence. Faithful and True.
Why did you write this book? I have had a passion for writing since high school. I have always loved writing. I had no idea back in high school that when I started to struggle, I would someday be sharing about it for others to read, though. I’ve shared this some places but in the midst of traveling from one treatment center to the next, I was sitting in a hotel room alone one night when I felt like the Lord told me that I would be sharing my story through writing. I didn’t know when, I didn’t know all that I would share, but I just knew it would happen. It started with a blog after the second treatment center. Many, many, many moleskine journals filled later as well as many treatment center admissions later, I felt like spiritually I was pregnant with a story to tell. I left a treatment center last November and began writing. It was published at the end of July of this year. Within 9 months, the whole book had been written out and published for the public to read! ❤
What was the hardest moment to write about in the book?
I had many pieces of the book that were very vulnerable to write about. But the hardest to share was the “Letter to Escape” on page 70! One of the things that I did while at the treatment center in Sacramento was write a “letter” to “Escape”. “Escape” became one of the things that I always went to during my time before recovery and my time during recovery. Whenever something got hard, I chose escape. Some of the things in my “escape” list were simply avoiding the hard things, not going to events, mentally going downhill and not thinking the right thoughts so far as desiring to take my life. There were other thoughts that I would go to over and over again though that I struggled with for years that I opened up about that I had never shared publicly. Those are in the “letter to escape”. I think I can put that in the category of hard things I shared in this book. I have always said, “if it helps one person feel less alone, it’s worth sharing” though and I know someone will come across that chapter and feel less alone.
Did you ever feel shame or fear sharing this story publicly?
I felt anxious the first couple of days that it was out and published.Now I simply just feel excited about it!
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YAY ❤ As always, feel free to contact me with questions through here or through social media. If you have not yet gotten the book and would like to, you can do so by grabbing a copy through Amazon. I’ll link it here! ❤
My book has officially been published and as of now, you can find it on Amazon!
This book traces the last 10-14 years of my life. Marked by deep pain, depression, trauma, and an eating disorder, yet woven through every single moment is the golden thread of God’s presence. He was with me. Always. Faithful and True. And that’s the story I will tell. To all who have been with me on this journey of writing my first book, thank you. Your support means the world.
She was wearing skinny jeans, and I was wearing sweatpants. Her hair was long, and mine was short. She cared a little too much about her appearance, and I was free.
She couldn’t decide between a lavender latte and a chai. I ordered a chai with almond milk.
We both sit in silence for a second. She is in awe that I am alive. She never imagined meeting me. I am in awe of her strength.
We sat there for a while to read and write. She pulled out a journal from her bag, and I pulled out my laptop with my manuscript on it.
She asks me if a book was ever written. I tell her yes, I am living to tell a story of a God who saves and redeems.
She tells me that she is no longer going to Liberty University as planned. I look at her and say, “Hold on, it’ll be more than okay.” She asks me if I ever went back to school. I tell her i went ministry school in California and am now seeing redemption as God allows me to get a degree in English and Writing at Liberty.
She tells me she’s about to enter treatment for the first time. I say, “Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. Emmanuel is in all your moments, Annie.”
Our conversation was full of hope, and she asked if we could meet for coffee again soon. ❤
I am sitting at Thanks a Latte this afternoon writing a book that will be published someday.
Eight years ago, I was sitting here at this Thanks a Latte writing. During that time, I was only beginning to walk through depression. I self-harmed, I was in and out of school, and I traveled to Duke a few times a week for therapy, but I always came back to TAL. It was a safe haven for me. It was a place where I knew I could come read and write. It’s a place I knew the baristas would pray for me. Today, as I sat here, I was thinking about how faithful my God was and is to bring me through all of those years. 20-year-old Annie had no hope for her future. God uses all things for good, though. Those years are written in this book. Written with hope attached for other Annie’s out there that might find themselves in similar struggles someday. I’m praying that someday they’ll find themselves reading at their favorite coffee shop with my book in their hands grabbing hold of hope for tomorrow and believing that somehow God really does use all things for good.<3
i remember laying in my bed at 18 staring at balloons in my room simply dreading my 19th birthday. when i was 19, i was scared to turn 20. i wanted to escape. as birthdays continued the theme continued. but i celebrated. with family, with balloons, with gifts, with dinners, with smiles. on the outside everything seemed okay. on the inside i was fighting the wildest, most intense war of depression. how can i celebrate another year of living when i simply don’t want to be here? why celebrate life when i can’t find purpose but only pain in my own life?
tomorrow i turn 29. for me, this is a victory. a win. a celebration. year 28 was one of the hardest years of my life and i didn’t think i would make it. this past decade was the most painful. but God. my God is turning bitter things into something so sweet though and i can’t wait to see what’s to come. this feels like the first birthday where the unknown has made itself known bold before me but walking hand in hand with God, i’m simply full of joy in the middle of the mystery. being entwined as one with the Lord, walking in step with the Spirit, every corner i turn, His goodness overwhelms me. He is redeeming a whole lot and all i can say is He is faithful and true.
this birthday i am thanking God for breath in my lungs. for LIFE. i can’t remember the last time that was the reality. but today it is.
REASONS TO KEEP GOING. you are loved. your story isn’t over. the world is not better without you. you’re so important. you have so many new memories to make. you have a purpose. you’re an overcomer!! your future is so bright. and a million other reasons. stay here. #genzwillbesuicidefree !!
THINGS TO LIVE FOR. i am learning my “why” is an anchor and can’t be moved within any storm. but there are little things that keep me going. little things to live for and stay for too. glimpses of joy. this year almost knocked me out but thank God for the people in my life and seeing God forever in the details.
glimpses of joyyyyy and things to stay for:
mercy reunions with some of my favorite people
sunsets in la jolla
family gatherings
skydiving x3!!!
road trip across the country with momma snyd x4!!!
day of birth gender reveals (here for it)
car rides and karaoke and mexican dates with Gracie
hangs with little leighton and the cutest nephews (being auntie annie is a dream)
the most brilliantly beautiful sunrises in TN
madewell skirts that have POCKETS duh
matching with my counselor in CA who i miss dearly
all the celebrations with my soon to be sis in law<3
in honor of jumping out of a plane a few days ago… i am reminded of these words that i wrote a while back. holding onto the “how” really doesn’t benefit us the way that “yielding” can and will. skydiving will teach you that reeeeeally fast.
recently i got caught up in a whirlwind that is “next steps”. finding myself overwhelmed, the Father whispered “holding onto the ‘how’ is only hurting you. release it to Me.”
a few years ago before making the decision to come to Redding, i was in the same place. i remember sitting in a coffee shop when i found myself intimidated by what was ahead. as i wrestled with some of what the Lord was showing me about my future, i let the question of “how?” become bigger and bolder than His beautiful promises and purpose for my life. instead of having confidence in Him, i tried calculating how everything would work. in that moment, the Lord took me back to the first time i went skydiving.
i was thinking about the excitement that i had until i realized exactly what i was going to be doing… falling out of the sky intentionally. there were so many doubts and fears coming up. within seconds my mind was clinging to the worst case scenario.
i remember that as i focused on those details, fear crept in. there was a moment when i realized that i had to focus on the instructor rather than where i was headed. i had been trying to figure it all out before i was even up in the sky but the instructor told me he would direct me and remind me of what i needed to do once we jumped out.
the pressure was off for me to know what to do but the mystery was making itself known. i didn’t have to understand though. i just needed to trust him.
he knew i didn’t have all of the answers. he knew i wasn’t going to be able to do it on my own. as i trusted him and fully yielded, that fear turned into excitement.
the last thing he said to me before we dove into the sky was “HAVE FUN!”. the moment i jumped out of that plane, the fear was gone. i was at peace – full of wonder and joy.
it was one of the coolest experiences of my life. so fun that i’ve done it again since then.
the day that the Holy Spirit reminded me of this memory, i was convicted as i was thinking about how i could trust a random skydiving instructor that i had never met before that moment yet i couldn’t trust my Father who knows me and loves me more fully than anyone has ever known me or could ever love me. the God that promises to guide my steps, who promises to be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. the God who goes before me, the God who promises to never leave me nor forsake me. but it was also that day i was given the beautiful invitation to trust Him even if i didn’t know what was to come or didn’t understand how i was going to get to where He was taking me. even if i couldn’t see the full picture, the Holy Spirit was still going to give me clarity and vision not confusion. even if there was mystery, i was able to embrace it and trust Him. choosing to release the “how” to Him because holding onto it is exhausting, heavy and simply gets me nowhere. choosing to stop calculating and rather putting my confidence in Him. choosing to yield fully, allowing Him to speak to me in the midst of the journey, guiding, leading, protecting. choosing to let God be God in my life. there is joy in the journey when we trust Him with all of our being. when we trust that we are in the palm of His hand and He is who He says He is, not only do we realize how much pressure is taken off of us but we find joy as we get to partner with Him.
again and again. daily. questions arise and i am given the invitation for fresh surrender. an invitation for finding Him in the present moment and letting Him lead me. my eyes have been opened to the reality of the One in front of me. it’s Him. Jesus is the prize. He is the one i am in pursuit of. just yield, annie. it isn’t easy, so many questions and doubts fighting for my attention but one glance at Him and surrender it is.
there is so much mystery in this journey with Him but i wouldn’t want it any other way. God is more interested in the journey than the destination. i have no idea what next year will look like or what the next step is for me but my eyes are locked in on Him. He is faithful. only He can take me to where i am going. and so i yield. i yield to the lover of my soul. i yield to Jesus. i yield to the Good Shepherd whose leadership is perfect.
there is so much joy in this journey when we choose to wildly trust Him.”
and this time around, as i went skydiving and jumped out of the plane, i can easily say it was the best yet. i watched intently as the instructor hooked me up and made everything safe, yes. i listened as he told me my part, yes. but the rest was simply “routine” for him and a part of his job. i got to lean back, jump out and enjoy the BEAUTIFUL view.
yield, surrender, walk in step. whether skydiving or figuring out your next steps, release the “how”. trust God who carries promises to guide, direct, lead, carry, and protect. to be a lamp and a light.
trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. with all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make. proverbs 3:5
JOY IN THE JOURNEY! JOY IN YIELDING! JOY IN SURRENDER!
“freedom on the other side of forgiveness” were the first words i wrote in my journal the morning of one of the most marking therapy sessions at Mercy. march 7th, 2023.
my counselor’s last words to me before i left her office that day were “become acquainted with freedom”. the hour in between was what felt like a storm had taken place. peaceful… but a storm. i took my place going into the battle, finding myself in the eye of the storm looking directly at my Jesus, but the rain poured, strength spent, tears cried. this cost me something. this cost Him everything. the storm settled, the enemy defeated, the rain stopped, steam still coming off the road, a rainbow in the sky. He keeps his promises. birds singing their song, reminding me i still have mine. oh, do i have mine. my heart is free. the words my counselor spoke ringing off the chains that had been freshly broken and shattered from around my heart… become acquainted with freedom. oh, sweet surrender.
in the middle of my journal quote and her words was an hour of sitting on the floor of her office forgiving the very people i never thought i could forgive.
i had no idea that “forgiveness” was on the “agenda” for the day but the holy spirit knew. he prepared my heart. writing down a “thought” in my journal wasn’t just a thought. it would soon become a reality that would shatter chains that had a hold on my heart that had made it hard to breathe. i hadn’t known that holding onto this was suffocating me. the thought of freedom on the other side of forgiveness would soon become a reality if i only walked in step with the Spirit and the divinely orchestrated leadership, wisdom and spirit-led counsel of my therapist. choosing obedience, choosing to forgive. God would certainly meet us in that room that day.
i had led us in communion to open up our therapy session and the rest isn’t just history. it’s forever part of a story i will tell.
only by the blood of Jesus could any of this be a reality today.
God went before me that day and prepared my heart – gently reminding me that freedom was going to make itself known to my heart in a radical way if i released those people and chose forgiveness. it took every bit of strength within me to choose to forgive but wow, i am so thankful i did.
for years i had wanted those who hurt and abused me to understand the pain that they had caused me. a previous day in counseling i had read my Jesus’ words out loud, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”. as my counselor asked me what that meant, i began to realize that Jesus didn’t need the world to know what they were doing or the pain that they were causing Him in order for forgiveness to flow from His heart. that revelation changed EVERYTHING for me. it truly marked my mind and my heart. i didn’t have to wait for people to understand the pain they caused me in order to forgive them. i could choose freedom and release myself from the prison i was in. now. i didn’t have to wait any longer.
so i made the choice to forgive those who had hurt and abused me. it was purely out of obedience but in the coming weeks, the effects of forgiveness were catching up to me in the most beautiful way. what forgiveness was doing in my life was heavenly and could have only been supernatural. the simple act of obedience was a bridge that allowed the Holy Spirit to move and free my heart and mind in a way that only He could. no amount of “people understanding pain or years lost to X or X” could bring freedom. it would only be Jesus.
i am thankful for the reality of freedom that awaits us on the other side of that simple but wildly courageous act of obedience – choosing to forgive. it’s a choice. it might take every ounce of strength in us and finding someone to be by our side in it with us. but the freedom that is on the other side is beautiful. stunning. heavenly. weighty. full of glory. only by the blood can this be our reality. releasing people who have done us wrong and giving them over to the Lord. continuing to find freedom myself as i trace my hands along the golden thread of the Lord’s constant goodness in my own story. He has always been good. so i can trust Him in this. i can trust Him with my story, with these people, with my life. i can choose to forgive the very people who have hurt and abused me. it’s a choice. it can hurt. but it cost Him everything. and He is worthy of my everything.
again and again, i choose to forgive. it’s not easy and it might strip me of my strength. but my God promises to renew my strength. and i am reminded of the freedom on the other side. i become aware of a heart more free than ever before. things are beginning to shift. i see people in a different light. and i remember my counselor’s words, “become acquainted with freedom”.
day one without my dog was devastating. i had joked we were taking Soldier to the vet because he ate my nephew’s sock (been there done that twenty times) or just wanted to ride in my mom’s truck or just wanted some attention which is why he was getting some x-ray’s and an ultrasound. that night i was typing out the words “my best friend of 12 years. he saw me through it all since my junior year of high school. i love you Soldier. you’re a freaking butt and this wasn’t the plan today. i joked the whole car ride over to the vet that you were just faking being sick and wanted out of the house… that you maybe just “ate another one of hutch’s socks”. that you were getting an ultrasound and x-ray just because you wanted to make friends with other people. but you were really, really freaking sick and in pain. i’m gonna miss you Soldier. go chase all those deer and squirrels forever and ever and ever in your dreams. and go swim in the lake without permission. my best friend is gone. so sudden for us all today but he’s out of pain. soldier, you’re everyone’s fav. 🤍”
now it’s been 48 days. it’s felt like a day and forever. it’s been 48 days without Soldier Joe. i miss him big and one thing i continue to think about that i am absolutely thankful (!!) for is that i was HOME. in north carolina. that wasn’t the plan after leaving mercy. him leaving us was completely unexpected and sudden and traumatic but i was home. with him. woohoooo thanks to treatment… then finishing up i was home and had “helped my mom bring the dog to the vet” that day. so thankful i did. so thankful for the last few months i was able to spend with that butt. we all know that my year in Sacramento had me away from him and then being in Redding … but treatment had me back in Raleigh and then back with the butt. and i’ll forever be grateful for that. so thankful for that extra time with him. i remember sitting on the ground that day with Soldier as the vet told us that there wasn’t good news and that we could take him home for one night. he had cancer and it spread to his lungs. he could barely breathe. we didn’t know. we knew something was wrong but he was hiding it from us so well. if we wanted to take him home for one night we could. i remember sitting with him on the ground. she met us there. the only words out of my mouth as tears streamed down my face in front of a stranger, “there’s nothing we can do?”…”i’m not going to treatment tomorrow”, “i don’t want to take him home. he’s in too much pain” …“call gracie”…who just so happened to be in town for the weekend too. not a coincidence. thank you Jesus. all of it worked out. but man that dog is a butt. and i miss him so.
“just one more kiss”, i told Soldier before he left us. he had never had chocolate in his life but he ate half of that bowl full of chocolate kisses before he went to dog heaven. they say “no dog should go to heaven without tasting chocolate”… he got a taste alright.
no appetite for days turned into one heck of an appetite that last hour as he saw chocolate, peanut butter and marshmallows… all for him. as much as he wanted. what a butt. my last words to him too. man. how has it been 48 days without him chasing squirrels and deer in that yard or running down that hill or walking on the land. missing him big.
annie snyder 