Tag: anxiety

  • FOR THOSE WHO WONDERED, I ANSWERED…

    FOR THOSE WHO WONDERED, I ANSWERED…

    For those who wondered, I answered. ❤

    What is Emmanuel in All My Moments about?

    This book traces the last 10-14 years of my life. Marked by deep pain, depression, trauma and an eating disorder, yet woven through every moment is the golden thread of the Lord’s presence. Faithful and True.

    Why did you write this book? I have had a passion for writing since high school. I have always loved writing. I had no idea back in high school that when I started to struggle, I would someday be sharing about it for others to read, though. I’ve shared this some places but in the midst of traveling from one treatment center to the next, I was sitting in a hotel room alone one night when I felt like the Lord told me that I would be sharing my story through writing. I didn’t know when, I didn’t know all that I would share, but I just knew it would happen. It started with a blog after the second treatment center. Many, many, many moleskine journals filled later as well as many treatment center admissions later, I felt like spiritually I was pregnant with a story to tell. I left a treatment center last November and began writing. It was published at the end of July of this year. Within 9 months, the whole book had been written out and published for the public to read! ❤

    What was the hardest moment to write about in the book?

    I had many pieces of the book that were very vulnerable to write about. But the hardest to share was the “Letter to Escape” on page 70! One of the things that I did while at the treatment center in Sacramento was write a “letter” to “Escape”. “Escape” became one of the things that I always went to during my time before recovery and my time during recovery. Whenever something got hard, I chose escape. Some of the things in my “escape” list were simply avoiding the hard things, not going to events, mentally going downhill and not thinking the right thoughts so far as desiring to take my life. There were other thoughts that I would go to over and over again though that I struggled with for years that I opened up about that I had never shared publicly. Those are in the “letter to escape”. I think I can put that in the category of hard things I shared in this book. I have always said, “if it helps one person feel less alone, it’s worth sharing” though and I know someone will come across that chapter and feel less alone.

    Did you ever feel shame or fear sharing this story publicly?

    I felt anxious the first couple of days that it was out and published.Now I simply just feel excited about it!

    //

    YAY ❤ As always, feel free to contact me with questions through here or through social media. If you have not yet gotten the book and would like to, you can do so by grabbing a copy through Amazon. I’ll link it here! ❤

  • Soooo, I wrote a book!

    Soooo, I wrote a book!

    My book has officially been published and as of now, you can find it on Amazon!


    This book traces the last 10-14 years of my life. Marked by deep pain, depression, trauma, and an eating disorder, yet woven through every single moment is the golden thread of God’s presence. He was with me. Always. Faithful and True. And that’s the story I will tell. To all who have been with me on this journey of writing my first book, thank you. Your support means the world.

    Again, it’s on Amazon. It’s titled Emmanuel in All My Moments

    Praying for all who read these words! May you find hope and healing within the pages of this book.

    Here are a couple reader testimonials that I hope you find encouraging:

  • 29 and So Much Life Left To Live.

    29 and So Much Life Left To Live.

    i remember laying in my bed at 18 staring at balloons in my room simply dreading my 19th birthday. when i was 19, i was scared to turn 20. i wanted to escape. as birthdays continued the theme continued. but i celebrated. with family, with balloons, with gifts, with dinners, with smiles. on the outside everything seemed okay. on the inside i was fighting the wildest, most intense war of depression. how can i celebrate another year of living when i simply don’t want to be here? why celebrate life when i can’t find purpose but only pain in my own life?

    tomorrow i turn 29. for me, this is a victory. a win. a celebration. year 28 was one of the hardest years of my life and i didn’t think i would make it. this past decade was the most painful. but God. my God is turning bitter things into something so sweet though and i can’t wait to see what’s to come. this feels like the first birthday where the unknown has made itself known bold before me but walking hand in hand with God, i’m simply full of joy in the middle of the mystery. being entwined as one with the Lord, walking in step with the Spirit, every corner i turn, His goodness overwhelms me. He is redeeming a whole lot and all i can say is He is faithful and true.

    this birthday i am thanking God for breath in my lungs. for LIFE. i can’t remember the last time that was the reality. but today it is.

    REASONS TO KEEP GOING. you are loved. your story isn’t over. the world is not better without you. you’re so important. you have so many new memories to make. you have a purpose. you’re an overcomer!! your future is so bright. and a million other reasons. stay here. #genzwillbesuicidefree !!

    29 🖤✨
  • Things to Live For.. and Stay For

    Things to Live For.. and Stay For

    THINGS TO LIVE FOR. i am learning my “why” is an anchor and can’t be moved within any storm. but there are little things that keep me going. little things to live for and stay for too. glimpses of joy. this year almost knocked me out but thank God for the people in my life and seeing God forever in the details. 

    glimpses of joyyyyy and things to stay for:

    1. mercy reunions with some of my favorite people
    2. sunsets in la jolla
    3. family gatherings
    4. skydiving x3!!!
    5. road trip across the country with momma snyd x4!!!
    6. day of birth gender reveals (here for it)
    7. car rides and karaoke and mexican dates with Gracie
    8. hangs with little leighton and the cutest nephews (being auntie annie is a dream)
    9. the most brilliantly beautiful sunrises in TN
    10. madewell skirts that have POCKETS duh
    11. matching with my counselor in CA who i miss dearly
    12. all the celebrations with my soon to be sis in law<3
    13. coffee in downtown raleigh always.

    so many things to live for.. and stay for. 💛✨

  • Don’t Hold Onto The How…Just Go Skydiving.

    Don’t Hold Onto The How…Just Go Skydiving.

    in honor of jumping out of a plane a few days ago… i am reminded of these words that i wrote a while back. holding onto the “how” really doesn’t benefit us the way that “yielding” can and will. skydiving will teach you that reeeeeally fast.


    recently i got caught up in a whirlwind that is “next steps”. finding myself overwhelmed, the Father whispered “holding onto the ‘how’ is only hurting you. release it to Me.”

    a few years ago before making the decision to come to Redding, i was in the same place. i remember sitting in a coffee shop when i found myself intimidated by what was ahead. as i wrestled with some of what the Lord was showing me about my future, i let the question of “how?” become bigger and bolder than His beautiful promises and purpose for my life. instead of having confidence in Him, i tried calculating how everything would work. in that moment, the Lord took me back to the first time i went skydiving.

    i was thinking about the excitement that i had until i realized exactly what i was going to be doing… falling out of the sky intentionally. there were so many doubts and fears coming up. within seconds my mind was clinging to the worst case scenario.

    i remember that as i focused on those details, fear crept in. there was a moment when i realized that i had to focus on the instructor rather than where i was headed. i had been trying to figure it all out before i was even up in the sky but the instructor told me he would direct me and remind me of what i needed to do once we jumped out.

    the pressure was off for me to know what to do but the mystery was making itself known. i didn’t have to understand though. i just needed to trust him.

    he knew i didn’t have all of the answers. he knew i wasn’t going to be able to do it on my own. as i trusted him and fully yielded, that fear turned into excitement.

    the last thing he said to me before we dove into the sky was “HAVE FUN!”. the moment i jumped out of that plane, the fear was gone. i was at peace – full of wonder and joy.

    it was one of the coolest experiences of my life. so fun that i’ve done it again since then.

    the day that the Holy Spirit reminded me of this memory, i was convicted as i was thinking about how i could trust a random skydiving instructor that i had never met before that moment yet i couldn’t trust my Father who knows me and loves me more fully than anyone has ever known me or could ever love me. the God that promises to guide my steps, who promises to be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. the God who goes before me, the God who promises to never leave me nor forsake me. but it was also that day i was given the beautiful invitation to trust Him even if i didn’t know what was to come or didn’t understand how i was going to get to where He was taking me. even if i couldn’t see the full picture, the Holy Spirit was still going to give me clarity and vision not confusion. even if there was mystery, i was able to embrace it and trust Him. choosing to release the “how” to Him because holding onto it is exhausting, heavy and simply gets me nowhere. choosing to stop calculating and rather putting my confidence in Him. choosing to yield fully, allowing Him to speak to me in the midst of the journey, guiding, leading, protecting. choosing to let God be God in my life. there is joy in the journey when we trust Him with all of our being. when we trust that we are in the palm of His hand and He is who He says He is, not only do we realize how much pressure is taken off of us but we find joy as we get to partner with Him.

    again and again. daily. questions arise and i am given the invitation for fresh surrender. an invitation for finding Him in the present moment and letting Him lead me. my eyes have been opened to the reality of the One in front of me. it’s Him. Jesus is the prize. He is the one i am in pursuit of. just yield, annie. it isn’t easy, so many questions and doubts fighting for my attention but one glance at Him and surrender it is.

    there is so much mystery in this journey with Him but i wouldn’t want it any other way. God is more interested in the journey than the destination. i have no idea what next year will look like or what the next step is for me but my eyes are locked in on Him. He is faithful. only He can take me to where i am going. and so i yield. i yield to the lover of my soul. i yield to Jesus. i yield to the Good Shepherd whose leadership is perfect.

    there is so much joy in this journey when we choose to wildly trust Him.”


    and this time around, as i went skydiving and jumped out of the plane, i can easily say it was the best yet. i watched intently as the instructor hooked me up and made everything safe, yes. i listened as he told me my part, yes. but the rest was simply “routine” for him and a part of his job. i got to lean back, jump out and enjoy the BEAUTIFUL view.

    yield, surrender, walk in step. whether skydiving or figuring out your next steps, release the “how”. trust God who carries promises to guide, direct, lead, carry, and protect. to be a lamp and a light.

    trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. with all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make. proverbs 3:5

    JOY IN THE JOURNEY! JOY IN YIELDING! JOY IN SURRENDER!