My struggle with OCD is not something l’ve ever talked about on social media, but something I recently opened up about in my new book titled “Emmanuel in All My Moments”. I have always said “If it helps just one person feel less alone then it’s worth sharing”. You’re not crazy for having OCD, i’m not crazy for having OCD and shame will never lead the story that I tell. God is in this story. Some of these pieces are shared in the book and some shared in the book are not shared here. Raising awareness, reducing the stigma, and sharing for the one who needs to know they’re not alone and that they’re seen.
This book traces the last 10-14 years of my life. Marked by deep pain, depression, trauma and an eating disorder, yet woven through every moment is the golden thread of the Lord’s presence. Faithful and True.
Why did you write this book? I have had a passion for writing since high school. I have always loved writing. I had no idea back in high school that when I started to struggle, I would someday be sharing about it for others to read, though. I’ve shared this some places but in the midst of traveling from one treatment center to the next, I was sitting in a hotel room alone one night when I felt like the Lord told me that I would be sharing my story through writing. I didn’t know when, I didn’t know all that I would share, but I just knew it would happen. It started with a blog after the second treatment center. Many, many, many moleskine journals filled later as well as many treatment center admissions later, I felt like spiritually I was pregnant with a story to tell. I left a treatment center last November and began writing. It was published at the end of July of this year. Within 9 months, the whole book had been written out and published for the public to read! ❤
What was the hardest moment to write about in the book?
I had many pieces of the book that were very vulnerable to write about. But the hardest to share was the “Letter to Escape” on page 70! One of the things that I did while at the treatment center in Sacramento was write a “letter” to “Escape”. “Escape” became one of the things that I always went to during my time before recovery and my time during recovery. Whenever something got hard, I chose escape. Some of the things in my “escape” list were simply avoiding the hard things, not going to events, mentally going downhill and not thinking the right thoughts so far as desiring to take my life. There were other thoughts that I would go to over and over again though that I struggled with for years that I opened up about that I had never shared publicly. Those are in the “letter to escape”. I think I can put that in the category of hard things I shared in this book. I have always said, “if it helps one person feel less alone, it’s worth sharing” though and I know someone will come across that chapter and feel less alone.
Did you ever feel shame or fear sharing this story publicly?
I felt anxious the first couple of days that it was out and published.Now I simply just feel excited about it!
//
YAY ❤ As always, feel free to contact me with questions through here or through social media. If you have not yet gotten the book and would like to, you can do so by grabbing a copy through Amazon. I’ll link it here! ❤
My book has officially been published and as of now, you can find it on Amazon!
This book traces the last 10-14 years of my life. Marked by deep pain, depression, trauma, and an eating disorder, yet woven through every single moment is the golden thread of God’s presence. He was with me. Always. Faithful and True. And that’s the story I will tell. To all who have been with me on this journey of writing my first book, thank you. Your support means the world.
She was wearing skinny jeans, and I was wearing sweatpants. Her hair was long, and mine was short. She cared a little too much about her appearance, and I was free.
She couldn’t decide between a lavender latte and a chai. I ordered a chai with almond milk.
We both sit in silence for a second. She is in awe that I am alive. She never imagined meeting me. I am in awe of her strength.
We sat there for a while to read and write. She pulled out a journal from her bag, and I pulled out my laptop with my manuscript on it.
She asks me if a book was ever written. I tell her yes, I am living to tell a story of a God who saves and redeems.
She tells me that she is no longer going to Liberty University as planned. I look at her and say, “Hold on, it’ll be more than okay.” She asks me if I ever went back to school. I tell her i went ministry school in California and am now seeing redemption as God allows me to get a degree in English and Writing at Liberty.
She tells me she’s about to enter treatment for the first time. I say, “Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. Emmanuel is in all your moments, Annie.”
Our conversation was full of hope, and she asked if we could meet for coffee again soon. ❤
The doctors tell you that they wish they had a magic wand to help you. You’re left to wonder if it’ll always be this way. You sit in treatment centers and hear dry words that carry death and can suck the life and hope out of someone, “You’ll always struggle to some extent.” You hear that you’re always at a higher than average risk for SI struggles because of treatment-resistant depression. You keep being referred from one therapist to the next because nobody knows how to help you. If that’s you, you’re not alone. OH, BUT GOD. My Savior, my Healer, my Deliverer.
As most know by now, I have wanted to write a book since high school! Well, this week I wrapped up the writing portion of said book. Emmanuel In All My Moments will be published soon, so stay tuned!!! God has redeemed and restored so much when I look back at the last ten years of my life. I can’t help but look at my story and say that He has been with me through it all. So faithful. So true. He’s the only one that has gotten me through all that I have gone through and so my story is me telling of Him. Emmanuel in all my moments. So excited for this to fall into the hands of those looking for a spark of hope. I am praying that those who read this have their eyes opened to the reality that God really is with us in everything. ❤
I am sitting at Thanks a Latte this afternoon writing a book that will be published someday.
Eight years ago, I was sitting here at this Thanks a Latte writing. During that time, I was only beginning to walk through depression. I self-harmed, I was in and out of school, and I traveled to Duke a few times a week for therapy, but I always came back to TAL. It was a safe haven for me. It was a place where I knew I could come read and write. It’s a place I knew the baristas would pray for me. Today, as I sat here, I was thinking about how faithful my God was and is to bring me through all of those years. 20-year-old Annie had no hope for her future. God uses all things for good, though. Those years are written in this book. Written with hope attached for other Annie’s out there that might find themselves in similar struggles someday. I’m praying that someday they’ll find themselves reading at their favorite coffee shop with my book in their hands grabbing hold of hope for tomorrow and believing that somehow God really does use all things for good.<3
It was 2014 and I had been hospitalized for depression notan eating disorder. Yet the doctors made it very clear to me that if I wasn’t eating the hospital food, I had an eating disorder. My question is, who likes the hospital food? My roommate and I came up with a plan that anytime a nurse came into our room I would take out my goldfish crackers that my mom brought me and I would snack on those. At the time, I had no relationship with any eating disorder. And not in a million years did I ever think I would struggle with one. The doctors were simply wrong in that moment but this was my first introduction to someone assuming I had an eating disorder based upon my appearance.
That week didn’t “make” me have an eating disorder, but it did mark me.
2015 and 2016 rolled around and as my depression got worse, my anxiety got worse and I began struggling with the very thing I never thought I would struggle with.
At the beginning of 2016 I had gone to Atlanta, Georgia to go through treatment for my anxiety and the depression. But because the eating disorder became known, I was sent to an eating disorder treatment center in Florida after that. Then after that, I was sent back to Atlanta where I went through more treatment for the eating disorder.
I had always heard in treatment centers that this is something that you will always struggle with. And hearing that simply had no hope or life attached to it.
I would tell my dietican at the time that because I saw no hope, I didn’t care if the eating disorder took my life.
In 2017 I found breakthrough after hitting rock bottom and found a freedom and a hope that I hadn’t know in years. I experienced remission for almost three years until I began to face trauma that shook me and rocked my world in the most unexpected way.
Although I started coping with all that I had previously known to have helped me, I knew that it was a lie that someone had to live with an eating disorder forever.
That remission spoke loudly and I am so thankful. It provided hope and provides hope. Not just for me but for others around me that struggle and wonder if there is an end in sight. It allows me to breathe. To catch my breath. It keeps me writing. It keeps me hoping.
Fast forward the end of 2024 and I had just walked the halls of five other treatment centers and a hospital – this time it was all for my eating disorder.
The girl in 2014 joking around with her roommate and the goldfish crackers wouldn’t have imagined the girl that lay on a bed in the same room 10 years later getting an x-ray done of her heart. Never would I have imagined I would be in the same room 10 years later in the state that I was in. It happened. There isn’t shame. But there is help.
After I left the hospital, i wrote this:
I felt like my body was becoming numb to life and alive to death. But in that dying, I was shaken awake. It was like lightning and thunder marked my seven days in the hospital. Wild, blinding flashes of lightning and rolling thunder shook me awake. My heart feels like it’s waking up…
During my seven days spent in the hospital, I went into a meeting with my treatment team one morning thinking we would be discussing a discharge date. Instead, the head doctor began to list off all that wasn’t right with my body, my labs, my EKG. Was he trying to scare me? Because it was working. He said, “Don’t be surprised when they come up to get an x-ray of your heart this morning.” How could this be so bad? My stomach dropped. within 30 seconds, other doctors barged into the room, interrupted the meeting, and said, “We are ready for Annie.” I felt like I was living in a nightmare. Everyone on the unit was aware of what was going on. Moments later, labs were drawn two more times because once at 7:20 am wasn’t enough. Later that afternoon I had 5 doctors approach me asking me questions I only knew half the answers to. I didn’t know my body was in the state that it was in. But it was enough to wake me up and scare me in a good way into wanting a different life. A life outside of this ED. I can’t live like this anymore.
A few days later in rounds, I told the treatment team, “I’m ready to live life differently. ready to take things seriously”. Not that I wasn’t, but being half in is much different than being all in with recovery.
Shaken awake in unforeseen, painful, scary circumstances but my God is Emmanuel and El Roi. He is forever with me and sees me and will turn all things bitter into something so sweet. That’s the story I get to tell. Even in the middle of it all. Because that’s where I am. Hand in hand with Him.
Once I left the hospital, my treatment team had already made the decision that I needed a higher level of care. So continued the queue of treatment centers.
Why am I sharing this? Well, I know there are people reading this who are in the position I was in. Weaving through different treatment centers wondering if there is an end in sight. There are people reading this who know others who have struggled but you have never known what it’s like to have an eating disorder. I write for you too. This week is all about awareness.
I will also say that you never know who might be struggling around you. The girl sitting with her sister at the coffee shop might be on a three hour pass but still in residential treatment. The other guy shopping in the travel section at Target might be getting last minute supplies for their first time in residential treatment. The girl who’s on her phone at a restaurant might be logging her food on an app for her dietician to see. You simply don’t know what someone is going through.
Eating disorders are isolating. If you know a friend, check in on them. And remind them that it doesn’t have to be their forever struggle. Because it’s true. <3.
i remember laying in my bed at 18 staring at balloons in my room simply dreading my 19th birthday. when i was 19, i was scared to turn 20. i wanted to escape. as birthdays continued the theme continued. but i celebrated. with family, with balloons, with gifts, with dinners, with smiles. on the outside everything seemed okay. on the inside i was fighting the wildest, most intense war of depression. how can i celebrate another year of living when i simply don’t want to be here? why celebrate life when i can’t find purpose but only pain in my own life?
tomorrow i turn 29. for me, this is a victory. a win. a celebration. year 28 was one of the hardest years of my life and i didn’t think i would make it. this past decade was the most painful. but God. my God is turning bitter things into something so sweet though and i can’t wait to see what’s to come. this feels like the first birthday where the unknown has made itself known bold before me but walking hand in hand with God, i’m simply full of joy in the middle of the mystery. being entwined as one with the Lord, walking in step with the Spirit, every corner i turn, His goodness overwhelms me. He is redeeming a whole lot and all i can say is He is faithful and true.
this birthday i am thanking God for breath in my lungs. for LIFE. i can’t remember the last time that was the reality. but today it is.
REASONS TO KEEP GOING. you are loved. your story isn’t over. the world is not better without you. you’re so important. you have so many new memories to make. you have a purpose. you’re an overcomer!! your future is so bright. and a million other reasons. stay here. #genzwillbesuicidefree !!
THINGS TO LIVE FOR. i am learning my “why” is an anchor and can’t be moved within any storm. but there are little things that keep me going. little things to live for and stay for too. glimpses of joy. this year almost knocked me out but thank God for the people in my life and seeing God forever in the details.
glimpses of joyyyyy and things to stay for:
mercy reunions with some of my favorite people
sunsets in la jolla
family gatherings
skydiving x3!!!
road trip across the country with momma snyd x4!!!
day of birth gender reveals (here for it)
car rides and karaoke and mexican dates with Gracie
hangs with little leighton and the cutest nephews (being auntie annie is a dream)
the most brilliantly beautiful sunrises in TN
madewell skirts that have POCKETS duh
matching with my counselor in CA who i miss dearly
all the celebrations with my soon to be sis in law<3
annie snyder 